Comeback

Yesterday was the NYRR Mini 10K, my favorite race of the season. It was the first all-women's road race in the country, founded during a period of time not so long ago when it was believed that if a woman ran long distances her uterus would fall out, and it still has the energy of a special occasion.  It begins with a flat mile up Central Park West, makes a right turn into the park just south of the Harlem hill, loops clockwise around the east side of the park, and finishes at the NYC Marathon finish line just east of Tavern on the Green.

I was registered for the race, I had picked up my number and had toyed with the idea of running. But, at 8:00 yesterday morning as the starting gun was fired, I wasn't there. Three weeks ago I awoke on Saturday morning and, at almost exactly the same time yesterday's starting pistol was fired, I had a small stroke (called a Transient Ischemic Attack or TIA) while standing in my kitchen. My arm went numb and fell to my side, the dog food I was holding scattered across the floor, and when I turned to my husband to say, "I think I'm having a stroke," the words formed a nonsensical string of syllables in my head.

Within twenty minutes I was in a CAT scan at Roosevelt Hospital, followed by a battery of tests over the weeks that have passed since. With specialist appointments scheduled weekly till Independence Day, the limbo between incident and diagnosis lingers on.

I haven't fully trusted my body since the stroke. Without knowing the cause, I keep feeling like at any moment it could happen again. I can feel its residual effects in the weakness in my right hand, in the extra effort it takes to smile with the right side of my mouth, in the dragging of my right foot when I'm especially tired, in the sudden dizziness that comes on when I walk too fast, and in the occasional stutter that gives away that it's harder for me to get the words out than it was just a few weeks ago. If you don't see me every day you might not notice anything amiss, I am very lucky that the damage isn't worse; but, it is something that I'm always worrying about and always hoping no one else can see.

This bracelet was paired with a matching sign above my bed.
Given my lack of grace in daily life, we thought maybe a Fall Risk
bracelet would be a good addition to my standard jewelry rotation.

It was upsetting to miss yesterday's race. In the three years that I've been running, I've done the Mini every year. But, I just couldn't count on making it the full six miles. As I saw my friends post pictures with their medals on Facebook, I thought of a woman I've seen in Central Park almost every morning since I started running.

She looks about 70 years old. She is always on the lower loop in the same baby blue running shorts and matching t-shirt. Her focus is unaffected by what she is overcoming. Her right arm, locked tightly to her side, is clearly paralyzed. Her stride is altered, favoring her left leg. Her face is pinched, but she stares straight ahead with an even gaze.

In the past three years I've seen her adapting. I can remember clearly the loping limp with which she ran the first time I saw her, it was what caught my attention in the busy swarm of morning runners. Watching her rebuild, after what was clearly a devastating incident, has served as an inspiration for me to push harder and run farther since I first laid eyes on her; but, when she crossed my mind today it was different.

I thought of her and I thought of how lucky I am. Rather than distrusting my body for one incident, I thought back to the times I've been amazed at the things it could do. Things that had been inconceivable to me before. I decided to go for a run, my first run back. It wasn't six miles and it wasn't easy, but there were moments of peace in it that I haven't had in the stress of these past few weeks.

I know I'll need that as I cycle through the diagnostic process and possible surgery or treatment, whatever that may be. It's soothing to have an outlet that can create that and to know, on days when I'm feeling my body's current limitations, that through consistent gradual effort it has already proven itself capable of more than I thought possible. It can do it again.

With my friend Katie before the 2013 NYRR Mini 10K.

Stroke in young women is more common than many people realize and can manifest in a variety of unusual symptoms. Many people don't know the warning signs or risk factors, and some just think they couldn't possibly be having a stroke simply because they aren't old enough for it to be a problem. Take a moment and read up by clicking here.